Live FREE

This time last year, God told me pretty clearly that the theme of our year together would be, 'navigation.' That no matter what came my way, He would be there..guiding, deciphering and navigating me through the waters, whether they be kind or treacherous. He was not only right, but faithful and true to His word! 2011 was an emotional roller coaster for this girl...but not one second of it was I alone. As we come to another new year...I can hear His voice loudly declaring that this year will be a year of FREEDOM. Not only will He continue to be near, guiding and navigating me through whatever comes my way, but this year I will find freedom from things that have haunted me my entire life. Not only that, but He is proclaiming freedom from things I don't even know exist yet!

I used to be pretty big into the whole 'New Years resolution' thing. I'd make my list, and Jan1 (ok, 3rd, really...) I'd get all gung-ho about whatever it was I'd decided I had set my mind to that year. And by March...I'm not sure I could've (or would've) told you what it was I'd committed myself to so whole-heartedly! I'm a girl of good intentions. I really do mean well...really. After reading countless self-help articles on weight-loss, organization and personal motivation...I truly believe that I can do anything. Maybe even conquer the world! And then reality sets it...busy schedules, hectic mornings, too much on the to-do lists, car lines, laundry piles, the list goes on....

And year after year, I find myself in the same spot. STUCK. No farther than where I started. No more achieved than what was intentioned (albeit well) in my mind's eye.

Not this year.

Sure, you say...that's what they ALL say at 12:33am on New Years Day! But here's where it changes. This year...2012...isn't about me. It can't be. Because Amy just can't cut it, won't get it done and WILL fail...time after time after time. But there's an upside....I'm not supposed to get it done, make the cut or be perfect time and time again!

This year, God has said, 'Live FREE!' Free from perfection, free from expectations...free from having to do it all...on your own. This year, I WILL cling, yes CLING to the perfection of Christ...and truly believe that His perfection means that I'm free to not be. I'm not talking lazy here...I'm talking freedom! Jesus came to this earth, lived the perfect life and gave it (conquered it to be exact!) because He knew I never would. On my own, my good intentions are worthless. But HIS goodness...THAT I can count on, trust in, and cling to this new year! He not only offers this to us, but longs for us to receive it and truly LIVE...the life we were made for!

So this year, I'll pass on the goals (although personal goals and reflections aren't bad!) I'll stop putting requirements on what success and achievement looks like for me. Instead, I'll gladly accept the challenge to 'live FREE' this year...hand in hand with Christ...clinging to His perfection and goodness...and take each day one step at a time. After all, this life isn't really about me. And THAT...gives me more freedom than I know what to do with :)

what you see and what you get

There's this house that I drive by often. Ok, so it's on the way to the gym...so I probably don't drive by it THAT often, but still...I see it a lot(ish). I remember right after we moved to this area seeing it for the first time. It was love at first sight! The thing is, this house isn't beautiful...not by most standards. It's not new, manicured, freshly painted or even well-maintained! From just the outside looks of it (sadly, I haven't been blessed enough to see the inside) it actually looks like it would take a LOT of work to make it not only livable, but restored to it's original state of beauty.

There's a longing that happens in my gut when I drive by this house. I want it. I want to pour every ounce of blood, sweat and tears in restoring it...and not just that, but making it useful. I'd love to see it made into a community center of sorts, or maybe even a neighborhood tutoring center...it's literally a block from a local high school. Maybe we could live in the upstairs and the downstairs could benefit the community in some way. Ok, so for this post anyway, how it's used isn't really the point. Sure it's pretty important...what good is something beautiful if you can't share it?

For today, though, it's the longing in my gut that gets me. The way that I see that house. It's like I don't really see what's in front of me. I see more. I see what it could be...dream of what it could look like...how I'd work to fix, repair and restore it's original frame and intricate details. I already see it like that. When I gaze at it (admittedly driving slower than I should, whilst gawking) I see it...restored, full of beauty.

That longing has spread from my gut to my heart. That way of seeing what is broken--restored, is how God sees us, His beautiful bride...His prize creation. We are worn, broken, rotten and in need of Love. Sin has weathered us from the inside, out. We can't fix it...there aren't enough paint brushes on the earth to restore us to our original state of beauty...the state we were created to be in...to be in community with our Creator. Jesus came to restore, redeem us. Only He can make us whole again. And when we trust Him, follow Him, believe Him...the rot stops. The darkness is gone...and the restoration begins. And our Creator...He sees us in our original beautiful condition...and we're no longer a run-down, abandoned heap of wood and brick...but strong, clean, whole...holy.

I'm longing to see not just what my eyes can see in front of me today, but see what God sees. Jesus said that we will worship Him 'in Spirit and in Truth' and I long to do that...to live in the Truth that He sees, love what He loves, grieve over what grieves His heart. And what I know about Him is that He longs for this too. So, today, I'll 'ask, seek and knock' and watch and listen closely to see and hear Him...in Spirit and in Truth. If you ask Him, He'll surely respond.

first things first

I've been going through the book of John with some friends for a couple of months now. We are on Chapter 6. What a beautiful book, FULL of Jesus. But isn't that what all Scripture is? Isn't it His Story from cover to cover?

We've had some really amazing conversations about the words contained in this book. Verses that confuse, frustrate and out-right enrage. We've been challenged to dig, to research, to look back at other texts that bring fuller context, history and clarity to what we're reading. So far, we're reading a lot about those who believe in Christ and their guarantee of eternal life and those who don't. Seems so hard to think of God, who's very essence and description is Love, would keep some of us 'out' of the deal of eternal life. Sounds so contrary to His character, His heart, His desire to see His children come to Him and accept His Love.

But then I wondered if we were asking the wrong questions? Questions that only lead to more questions...

What if we go back to the beginning. Back to when we meet Him, as He is making and creating everything we can see (and not see.) Back when He affirmed it all by saying, 'It is good!' And even better, when He proclaimed at His prize creation (us), 'It is VERY good!' What do we know about Him? What can we find out about His character, His heart here?

First of all, we know He wasn't alone. He's never been alone. Just as He said it wasn't good for Adam to be alone (and therefore created Eve) God, has always been a party of 3, who exist as 1. In the beginning, God. God, our Father, God the Son-Jesus, and God the Spirit-aka Holy Spirit. Three distinct personalities, who exist as One. Whole. Perfect. As in...without sin. None. ZIP. Not even a little!

No sin. Our human minds can't even comprehend this...even as we try, we sin...by thinking that we COULD come close to comprehending a blemish free God...enter that terrible day in the Garden, when everything went awry. Eve thought she ought to be able to comprehend what God could, see what He sees, know what He knows. And the creepy, lying snake deceived her into actually believing that was a possibility. In case you're confused...let me clarity...IT'S NOT.

So, for the first time in the beautiful, perfect and whole existence that God made...destruction entered the scene. (Little known fact: Did you know that some scholars don't believe that it even rained prior to sin entering the world?? That before sin, creation was so perfectly put together, it didn't NEED to rain!) Sin. Church-y word, but what does it mean? Dictionary.com defines it as: 'any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse,etc.; great fault or offense'

Reprehensible and regrettable are easy enough to decipher...something really really bad, you wish you could take back...NOT do...undo. What about 'great fault or offense?' Who is offended?

God. Perfect, unblemished, Holy-God. The One who IS. Who will always be. The One by Whom and for Whom all things are made and put into existence! The One in Whom is LIFE. Our lives are not our own. We didn't give ourselves existence, breath, souls. It was given to us, by the very Maker of Life and Love. Perfect Love. Love that has NO end.

Except with sin. Sin destroys. Sin...that terrible terrible delusion that Eve thought she could know and BE her own god (her own purpose for living, her own judge, her own security and wisdom---sound familiar?) That moment of sheer stupidity when her heart's affection went from fullness and abundance in all that is good, pure, holy and what she was made for...to herself. That moment, that delusion, that stupidity didn't hurt God's feelings. It ripped what once was One, into brokenness. So much so that in His perfect, holy, goodness...the very creation He made for Love became unlovable...unreachable. Because to remain in unity with sin would alter His very God-ness. His very essence of all that is good, loving and Holy.

To understand why it is so important to 'believe' in Jesus Christ for eternal life...we have to go back to the beginning. We HAVE to understand, not just in our minds, but in our very souls...that we are hopeless, depraved and fooling ourselves thinking that this life that we live is ours. That we can ever truly breathe, truly Love, truly LIVE outside of that perfect, beautiful relationship with our Maker, Creator, Giver of All. But with sin now in the picture, with our hearts full of deceit, adultery and more than we care to actually look at...what do we do? Where is our hope?

Enter Jesus. We 'believe' in Him because HE makes ALL things new! Because He IS indeed God (remember, He was there as it all began!) only HE can right the wrong, make clean what was abused, close the gap between us and our Father. And He did. And He continues to do so, every day. When He gave His life on the cross 2000(ish) years ago, His death paid the ransom for our crime. And when He rose again, He proved that not even death itself could defeat the power of LOVE that He'd given with His Life, His sacrifice...His gift. God Himself reclaimed His prize creation! Jesus came that we might LIVE, love, and know fully the goodness of the heart of God...be restored to our Father, together as a family...forever.

It's not about doing good things...we can't ever 'do' anything worthy of a perfect God. It's not about church attendance or Bible reading or fighting injustice. It's ALL about Jesus. Our need for God is beyond our need for air, whether we can admit that to ourselves or not...it's true. And Jesus came, that we could be with Him...breathing Him in, living life abundantly...eternally, forever.

The question isn't about God. It's about me. And you. Do we know how much we need Him? Do we care?

am i missing the point?

what if we’re getting it wrong? (as if that’s NOT the case!) but really...i mean think about our life? what is our ultimate goal each and every day? comfort, security, happiness, ease...all illusive idols that we continue to chase, continue to be duped by, continue to chase around that next corner...if we’re honest..enough is NEVER enough.

what if...when God led the Israelites through the wildnerness it wasn’t so much a punishment as a gift? what if, by stripping them completely of their creature comforts, their security, routines and ‘safety’ that He was in fact, blessing them, giving them the most beautiful gift (maybe even a glimpse of the Messiah to come)? bringing them into the most precious of places...the place that Jesus begged for in John17 as He pleaded with the Father...that we might know and receive the same unity as He and the Father are one. what if, by living to find our comfort, our security (financial, relationally, etc), our ever-changing-like-the-wind happinesses we are actually running farther from God even as we think we might be running to Him? what if that frustration, that constant nagging in our souls, that gap between what we know and what we live...is just that...a gap...a conflict in reality vs. philosophy. what if...instead of seeking comfort we sought out risk...sought after a dependence so deep that we would be reminded every second of our need, our dependence on God alone, for life, breath, sustenance...comfort, security, happiness...peace?

what if we’re looking in all the wrong places for the things we so desperately desire?

what if we changed the way we look for them? what if we made room for Him to show up in our lives each and every day? what if we pressed harder into God? desperately waited, arms flung wide-open to receive even a whisper from Him.

here’s what we know:

He’s not hiding. He’s relentlessly pursuing, Loving, healing..longing to see us free. free to love, free to heal, free from the very things we THINK we want. free to be whole, be One with Him, as Jesus and the Father are One! something tells me...THAT is what we’re made for, looking for as we find ourselves settling for the lesser ‘things.’

i’m praying for a heart and mind that would be so captivated by Christ-as i go through my day that instead of escaping the ‘tough’ stuff...being distracted by the illusions of peace...that i’d find His heart, His voice...booming and lovingly calling me closer to Himself. God, give me ears to hear and eyes to see YOU...to know you more, love you more, receive you more...to have faith as even a mustard seed!

dys*func*tion

I had a slightly profound moment of revelation the other day. One that sounds sort of ridiculous and maybe even obvious to say out loud, but one that has eluded me for years.

LOVE.

What does this word/verb/adjective actually mean? What does it look like? How do we embody it?

1Corinthians13 says this:

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

And of course, there is 'preferring one another in Christ,' and 'laying down your life for your friends.' But what does this actually look like? When rubber meets the road, and we aren't just talking in generalities and vague philosophies...what does Love look like in our lives?

I used to think (and am still working at 'unthinking it') that it was loving of me to 'be responsible' for others (yes, ALL others) feelings...good/bad, true/false, happy/sad. And that in some way I was failing them (yes, ALL of them) if I couldn't prevent the bad, sad or false. This hasn't been a conscious thought process for me, but just a foundational belief, which guided my thoughts and actions. But it was like it was my 'job' to make sure everyone was 'ok,' regardless of how 'ok' I was/wasn't. I also used to think that it was loving toward another if I were so aware of their feelings/responses and constantly tried to please or appease them in whatever situation that looked like. In other words, love meant, perfection. To meet every need, for everyone, every time.

Can I be honest and just tell you what that looked like?

Exhaustion, weariness...and then bitterness, resentment, disillusionment...til finally, hopeless.

Here's the good new&bad news:

Love does indeed mean perfection.

God IS Love. Not just for the good and wonderful things He does for us, but because HE IS PERFECT. In ways our brains cannot even comprehend, He is perfect! And THIS is the only reason He can be defined as Love. 1Cor13 is describing God. His perfect Love. NOT a standard for us to attempt to live up to...but what His Love already IS.

But if Love is perfection, that's sort of a bummer for me, right? Cause I'm most definitely NOT perfect. Very rarely am I patient...kind more often, but moreso proud, irritable and rude! How does a perfect/Loving God love me? This seems to be a pretty big problem...if God is Love...because He's perfect...how in the world does He expect me to be?

Coolest part....

He doesn't! Enter-Jesus! Fully God, fully man. With all the 'tendencies' toward sin and brokenness...He lived flawless, perfection. And He knew that I (ok all of us!) would be totally jacked up! Completely incapable of even NEARING perfection...in other words...completely incapable of being accepted, loved...adopted by God (the VERY definition of Love, acceptance and family!) And for this reason...the most Loving thing a Loving God could do, would be to sacrifice (prefer...lay down His life..sound familiar??) His very perfection and give it to us (FOR FREE!) so that we could HAVE (not just read about, talk about or hear about...) His own perfection ourselves! His perfection..ie..HIMSELF is the most Loving gift we could ever receive! Without Him, we cannot Love. Without Him, we can't even get close. He's not a conduit for us to love...HE IS IT. Love Itself. And because He Loves without fail, with all perfection...I am free to love. Not perfectly...but by His grace (that free gift of Love, received) with all my flaws and imperfections, made whole and right in and by HIM.

That means that I don't have to get it right all the time. That I don't have to be the best, prettiest, smartest, coolest, awesomest anything! I get to be me...because He (perfectly) Loves me...because I'm His...forever.

He turns ashes into beauty, darkness into light, death into life and my disfunction into His perfection!

Just a random morning in our home. Plans to hit the gym early, ended up being pushed back to mid-morning. A missing IPod once there, meant that my intention to lose myself in music to distract from exercise would turn into magazine browsing instead. With 2 already in my hand as I gaze back at the newstand in front of me, another catches my eye and I take all 3 to the 'torture machine' as I've so affectionately dubbed the crosstrainer I've chosen. Ready, set, sweat.

I'm leafing through pages of girl-heaven (well, mine anyway)...endless turns of makeup, clothes, the newest and freshest looks for this season. I've always been more of a magazine comber rather than reader. I mean, how many actual articles on clothes and skincare can one person read? Except this one isn't about clothes, skincare or clearance aisle dramas. It was about a girl, who found herself, by helping others.

I'm not a blog-savvy lady, so for the sake of keeping things tidy, I won't mention names or specifics here. But it was a very well-known woman who found a huge gap between the life she was living and the life she actually wanted to live...the life she aspired to get to. And funny enough, that 'life' had nothing to do with her job, her finances, her home(s) or who she married. She called it an act of worship. I call it a wake-up call.

At at time in her life where it made ZERO sense for her to invest more time, energy, efforts and resources in pouring herself into fighting injustice...she found peace. In what, from the outside, looked like a perfect storm, she was actually safely tucked away in sanctuary. A Believer in Jesus and a life lived for His purposes and glory, she didn't try to apologize or bring a culturally-centric spirituality into play. She simply agreed with the Scripture that says, 'if you wish to save your life, you must lose it.'

For years now I've been battling with the image of being a person so centered on my own happiness and fulfillment that I'm missing the 'point' to why in the world we're here in the first place. If I'm just a girl, rotating on my own axis, making choices every day for my own appetite, aligning myself with those who feed my raging ego, distracting myself from the broken and bruised parts of me crying out for healing, accumulating more and more things to continue my journey of self-righteous gluttony....well...it's been eating at me to say the least.

And as a wife of a pastor at a local church, mom of 2, nanny of 1, it's easy to stay 'distracted' and yet completely and totally ineffective. THAT keeps me nauseas.

This is not me being dissatisfied with my life. Quite the contrary actually...only in the light of Who we exist for, can true gratitude and overflowing joy be complete!

I don't know what the next step of faith will be. I have no idea to what 'cause' or plight He'll propel me towards. Maybe it's right in front of my eyes. But what I do know is that...if I want to save my life...I'll have to lose it.

Matt 10:39

³⁹ If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.

Phil 2:17

But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.

JOY

I just read a blog at http://www.orangeparents.org on cultivating good energy in our home. I think as parents what we'd LIKE to see happen in our homes is sometimes NOT what actually occurs. I'm not talking about being control-freaks...more along the lines of our desires as parents vs. our realities.

I know that I struggle daily with being overwhelmed with the 'tasks' of life. I'm not just talking about the dishes here, but certainly they are included as well...and don't even get me started on the laundry...or the floors, or..ok, I digress. Anyway, it's easy for me to waste an entire day DOING a bunch of stuff and not once actually engaging with my family. Or if I do find myself stopping what I'm doing, it's only to complain or gripe about the thing that they are doing (or not doing)! Ok, so hopefully it's not quite this extreme every day, but even if it's more days than not...I'm not ok with this.

I want our home to be a haven. Our safe place of comfort, refreshment, engagement and JOY. Chad and I want our kids to grow up remembering their childhood with fond memories of not only fun, but fulfilling moments together. We talk a big game of 'relationship' here, and I'm just not sure I'm doing a great job of actually living that out...day by day in my home.

So...the question I'd like to pose is this: What can we do to cultivate JOY in our homes? How can we create an atmosphere that is more in line with our desires for our families instead of overrun with the busyness, negativity and disengagement that seems to be the reality? How can we still get done the daily tasks required, but also carve out time for nothing BUT relationship, joy, life and laughter?

Ready? Set...REPLY!