New (part2)

Lately my prayer life has looked a lot like this:
"God, please make me a better mom.  Help me to be more patient, compassionate and nurturing to K&B.  Please help me to yell less and listen more.  Please protect their tender hearts from my insufficiency as their mom...or at least let them have a really great therapist when they get older ;)"

What?  You don't think God likes to laugh too?? ;)

But truly, no matter the day or hour, that is about the tone of most of my prayers these days.  Any of that sound familiar?  Or am I the only crappy parent out there?

Most of my frustration in this cycle is that I haven't seen much response from God on this.  I mean, I guess I have better days than others, but for the most part, I'm not really seeing much-if any improvement in these 'areas of concern' that I've been praying about.  So, after throwing a lovely temper-tantrum (which I won't dialogue for you) in His direction recently I think He might have tapped on my shoulder a bit.  No dramatic changes in my temperament, etc...but sort of a re-examination of the prayer I've been pleading for.

What if His answer is NO?  And..this is a bigger one...what if that's BEST?

BAM.  Not to mention Ouch!

Here's what I think God is trying to chisel away at my extremely tough head (and heart...ok fine, and ego too!)  Do my kids need to see perfection in me?  Do they need (truly) that I respond perfectly, react perfectly and BE perfect in everything?  OR...do they need to see a mom that is in fact NOT perfect?  So not perfect that I mess up, screw up and all around make a royal mess of things and sin DAILY!     Culture or ego might say 'heck-to-the-no' but what does Scripture say?

The Gospel is this:  We are sinners.  God is Perfect, Holy.  And His holiness cannot be compromised by sin (not just in deed but in nature-see the Fall of man-Genesis3) or He would no longer be God.  And only a perfect, holy God can 'fix' a broken relationship due to sin.  So He does.  He sends us Jesus-His Son-fully God and fully man to pay the price that our sin demands in order to repair our broken relationship.  Jesus, the perfect One in all deed and nature-flawless in every way, gives His very life for our ransom.  He not only bridges the gap sin gorged between us and God, but He defeats the very death that sin requires.  And His sacrifice, is our gift.  Our connection back to God, back to relationship we were created for!  It's only HIS perfection, His strength, His grace (His work, our gift) that brings us back into God's family, as sons and daughters, forever.

THIS is what I want my kids to see, know, soak up and look to as they grow and learn.  I want them to know that it won't ever be anything that they can 'do' that will ever be good enough to earn them a seat in God's lap of favor, love or rescue.  That it will ONLY be in accepting the gift of grace, offered only through the sacrifice of Jesus and His victory over all sin and death that will grant them access into His family.  I don't want them to spend their lives striving, pining and exhausting themselves trying to do enough, be enough or earn enough favor on their own.  I want them to rest and submerge themselves in Jesus' perfection FOR them.  And I want them to cling to His grace in everything they do, they see and they grown in.  I want them to know that there is NO life outside of Him and that He is truly the 'way the Truth and the life!'  That they don't have to live under standards and expectations set by others or by themselves even.  I want them to fully believe and know that in Him and His grace is freedom.  Freedom to truly live, truly love, truly follow the One whom they were made for!

So what if my original prayer actually conflicts with this idea Scripture shows us as the Gospel of Jesus?  What if, instead of praying to be a 'better me' I start claiming Christ's perfection and grace on my behalf as well?  That instead of praying that I be the perfect mom, wife, friend...that I pray that they see Christ in me.  That they would see that He's taking my brokenness and instead giving me His holiness.  Not because I deserve it or earned it, but because it is the very essence of Who He is, that He came that we could be called 'beloved children.'  What if they actually heard me confess my sin and brokenness (yes, out loud) and ask for forgiveness.  What if they heard when I struggled to want what God wants and ask Him to bring my heart and His into alignment through repentance?  What if they watched the power of the Holy Spirit working and reconciling my brokenness through a more genuine, real relationship...one that's not just horizontal, but also vertical?

He's making all things new.  Taking my dingy, arrogant prayers and replacing them with His bright-shiny grace.  Truly amazing.  Ours for the taking.

New (part1)

Who doesn't like new stuff??  Whether it's a new piece of clothing or a new gadget (or fly rod, reel, kayak or well..the list is endless for my husband) it's so fun to have something 'new.'  Ironically, once you acquire that 'whatever it is' it automatically starts becoming, un-new.  Might not be old yet, but it's headed in that direction and quite irreconcilably NOT in the other.  I like bright, shiny things.  Not a diamond girl (I know...just one of the MILLION reasons my husband is sooooo lucky!) but I love a bright, shiny object.  Big, small, tangible or even a new shiny experience...I love it.  The all encompassing feeling of newness is intoxicating.  So much so, that as a culture we've completely taken consumerism to it's 'finest' places and demanded so much 'newness' for ourselves that we're likely stealing borrowed time.  But that's another post.

What if there was a gift that we could obtain where that intoxicating 'newness' never had to fade?  What if there was a 'thing' that we could have forever in our clutches but it never stopped feeling, smelling or existing as new?  It never gets old.  Not in wear, tear, no matter how much you use it, abuse it, neglect it or sleep with it...it stays perfectly 'new.'  In fact, what if this gift starts making the other 'things' in your life feel, seem, smell newer too?  What if just by it's existence in your ownership, all other things you have and acquire past and future, look brighter-shinier too?

I think there's a reason we as human-beings like new things.  I think we were made for renewal.  Made for the intoxicating refreshment that newness brings.  Whether it's a new season or a new sweater, newness is knit into our very being.  It is mine.  And when my heart feels tattered-old-abused and just broken...I long for newness, renewal.

Jesus is that gift, that 'too-good-to-be-true' treasure.  The newness we long for is actually a longing for God.  We were made for Him.  Made to exist in the presence of His Glory and in relationship with Him as Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  And since the beginning of creation, when all existed in perfect harmony-we were created by Him, for Him.  We've come a very long way from that sweet time in the garden together before the Fall.  So far, in fact, that we often can't see that this need, this longing within us isn't actually for a new sweater, new job or new countertops (dirty confession.)  Even more disturbing is that most days we don't see a 'need' at all.  I do a pretty decent job of things on my own.  And when I don't...well, I try harder, right?  Except when I'm tired, weary and have exhausted all my own strength.  My need for newness is my inherent need for God...greater than even my need to breathe, do I need Him, long for Him.

There's always a 'but' right?  But...sin.  But, our own wayward desires and self-indulgences have taken us far from the place where 'all things are made new.'  Enter Jesus.  That sweet, shiny, perfect gift.  A gift, not penance or an earned wage for a job well done....a gift.  One that cost God everything, so that we could come back.  Wipe the smudges and dirt from our eyes, our hearts, and allow Christ's bright, shiny life to bring us back into harmony with the One we truly yearn for.

I don't need more 'stuff.'  I need more of Jesus and His sweet and perfect grace to infiltrate every inch of me.  I need His newness to bring my sin-tattered, arrogant and self-reliant soul back to life with His very breath.  I don't need a 'better' me...I need more Jesus.